I'm finally an artist, that's why!
This is the only place suitable for a blog like this, but it so needs to be written. I woke up inspired. It's the place, because it's all about me, my real feelings, and I suspect more than a couple of others will relate.
I'll turn 52 within the next week. My real hair colour is - grey. I like to wear bright clothes, because it makes me feel happy. I can't sit in an enclosed office for too long a period of time , because it makes me feel - trapped. I don't like formal rituals and procedures just for their own sake, nor for a reason I can't relate to. I don't like being judged by my cover; I dislike small talk. I pick up peoples' vibes on a deeper level, and we either connect- or don't. To me that's okay, because enough do connect.
And I have more interesting friends as a result. Interesting because they're REAL. And not trying to keep up to some passable expectations of who they should be or what they should look like (within reason, of course!)
I like people who are them-selves.
When I first got into business at the age of around 40, I didn't like people much. I was far too busy trying to live up to the expectations of what 'they' thought I should look like.
And for good reason.
I was formerly a medical technologist, turned time management trainer.
The perfect image thing worked for me: Black suits to train in the corporates ( although I'd only ever worked for the (former) government myself). Perfect hair, cut at all times ( because had I let it grow, it would've become much too bushy, especially in Durban's humidity).Before going to the 'weekly business preview' for the network marketing business I then became absorbed in building, I would fret about how I looked, before leaving... dark rings under my eyes? Cover them quick!
It was all about appearance - me, me me - how I came across. Though to be fair, there was a heart in there that really wanted to help people live their best lives through assisting them to 'manage their time' with my simple proven workshop.
Which worked!
I gained the recognition.But at the expense of other areas of my life: family, and health, and finance (I got myself heavily into debt for the sake of 'keeping up with the Joneses' , such as they were).
Despite all this striving to 'be like them', I never felt good enough. They were always strutting their stuff, bigger and louder ... and more artificially.
They labelled me as 'negative', because they had the positive thinking, and speaking techniques taped. But unfortunately, their hidden lack of integrity eventually revealed itself.
Giving me the best lesson of my life!
Yes, I often wore (and still do) my heart on my sleeve. I was told 'leaders don't do that, people are watching you'.
I may have appeared clumsy and vulnerable at times, but at least people were watching me be REAL. I've never been good at lying or cheating with a straight face.
And that is my saving grace.
Because in this world, I discovered it is not about looking perfect so that everyone admires me on the basis of appearance; nor is it about pleasing every single person I come across. But rather it is about being true to who I really am, serving God first - I absolutely do care about what He thinks of me. People? Ja, I like to have friends - but those who appreciate who I really am.
I'm no longer that person who needs to live up to appearances.
If I look good, it is beacuse I take pride in my own appearance. Not because I have to dress a certain way to be accepted (not). Not because I have to act in a set manner in order to be liked.
Yes, true, sometimes I'm too 'terse', too straightforward and 'I tell it like it is'. However I'm very sensitive about how people are feeling - and I can immediately pick up if they don't like me, or if they couldn't care less. I do try to take peoples' feelings into consideration at all times, but I have also learned to aggressively protect my own self esteem, because, ironically, my ability to help many other people rests on what I think of myself.
'I love me and I approve of me', in the words of Louise Hay, who, herself, triumphed and in the process was able to help many others triumph too!
I had my hair a lovely shade of auburn, having paid the hairdresser for that look. Then the grey hairs appeared. I was meant to go back and have the auburn re-applied. I decided not to, because I need all the money I've managed to salvage, for a trip to Johannesburg at the end of next month, which involves a ten day stay - 2 seminars, and meeting some great, like-minded people up there. I'm investing a lot on developing what's in my head, rather than what's on top of it right now. However, I'm not brave enough to go completely grey (yet?). I wish I had money for both, but I don't want to get into debt. Yep- I wrote the Money Tree course, but personally I'm still working on the roots.
I know there are others in the same boat, because I attended a business meeting (you know the one where they tell you 'give is gain'... ) yesterday, and noticed a few others with similar hair colour . Box colour is easily recognisable because it's all one tone ... I think that particular company must be doing well. My hairdresser is too, though...
It was a toss-up between grey roots, a thousand rand, or the aforementioned. Mmm. I often wish I were a man (most of them don't have to care about their appearance to such an extent) - but then again that's not who God made me to be!
He made me to be me.
The me that no longer fits into the mould I was in ten years ago. The one who's become more 'eccentric' maybe - but defintely more real, and happier in my own skin - even though I get more than the odd passing glance because I do things slightly differently.
The me who wants to collaborate with other trainers/coaches/facilators because I KNOW we all have something unique to offer, so why compete?
And gives me the opportunity to do what I do best, which is write training material with a difference, instead of being scrutinized because I'm not wearing the right suit, or driving the right car. ..
What a waste of creativity!
But the me who takes satisfaction in running seminars with the best individuals as speakers; those who are real, rather than rehearsed. Those who go deeper than the image level.
That's who I'm interviewing for, and thank the Lord, I have found some gems to fit into my programme. And I'm just the producer... the co-ordinator.
You can't find the best real people if you're not real yourself. You attract what you are!
My goal ten years ago was to 'be professional' - and I achieved it ...
Now it's to be real, and the professional will follow. B-)
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